


Love Me When It Hurts

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Turned Into Vampire, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, POV Jace Wayland, POV Simon Lewis, Shadowhunter Simon Lewis, Temporary Character Death, Vampire Simon Lewis, blood drinking (from a blood bag)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:09:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28655499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Jace isn't ready to lose Simon when he dies - and the vampire blood in Simon's system means he doesn't need to. But will the complications of Simon's new existence as a vampire be more than the couple can overcome, especially when they find Raphael ingrained into their lives more than any of them were ready for?
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland, Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago/Jace Wayland
Comments: 23
Kudos: 56
Collections: SHBingo 20-21





	1. Good Things Fall Apart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TobytheWise](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobytheWise/gifts).



> This fic is inspired by [this wonderful plot idea by Toby](https://tobythewise.tumblr.com/post/632613768416968704/dynasty-by-miia-andor-hot-mess-by-cobra), who gave me the go-ahead to attempt to turn it into a full fic <3 I hope I can do it justice! 
> 
> It's also for three of my bingo squares, this first chapter being: Shadowhunter!Simon

“That was _amazing!”_ Simon exclaims, walking backward so that he can face Jace while he talks. Jace can only laugh and smile fondly at the excitement on his boyfriend’s face. 

“Si, we’ve had fights like that a million times,” Jace points out. The patrol itself was routine and the demons they came across hadn’t been particularly powerful or numerous. Still… 

“Yeah, but we were _really_ in sync tonight. You had to feel it too, right? It’s like we could read each other’s minds! I don’t think I’ve ever felt so connected,” Simon counters. 

Jace has to agree. Tonight was particularly impressive, even for them. They always fight well together, and even though their paths crossed too late in life for them to become parabatai they still fight like it sometimes, like they’re one. Outside of Alec, there’s no one else Jace trusts more or cares more about. 

“I can think of a few other ways I’d rather be connected to you right now,” Jace says suggestively, pulling Simon off the main sidewalks and around the corner into a dark city alleyway. Pressing Simon against the wall, Jace catches Simon’s surprised gasp with his lips, swallowing it and smirking into the kiss as Simon’s gasp shifts into a low moan. 

“Jace,” Simon whines, pulling his face back just enough to get the words out. “As much as I love the way you get after a fight, alleys are gross and the Institute is like, not even twenty minutes away. I promise I’ll make it worth your while if we wait to do this in an actual bed and not a sticky alley wall.” 

Jace sighs, giving Simon’s bottom lip a light bite before pulling away. 

“Fine,” Jace agrees. “But don’t think I won’t hold you to that.” 

Jace turns to leave the alley, but instead comes face to face with a person - no, a quick flash of fangs correct, a _vampire -_ blocking their path. Jace spins back around to warn Simon only to find the space behind him empty, followed by the sounds of a struggle echoing out of the shadows beyond where he can see. 

Jace’s heart races, his hand fumbling into his jacket pocket for his stele since his patrol runes wore off a few minutes ago. But he doesn’t have time to wait, not even a second, so he starts forward even as he searches. 

“Simon?!” Jace calls, but only manages a single step forward before superhumanly strong arms pull him back. The same inhuman strength is put into the force behind the blunt object that connects with Jace’s temple once, then twice, before he drops unconscious to the pavement below. 

\---

Jace wakes up alone in the alleyway. It takes him a moment to recollect exactly _how_ he got there, but once he does his phone is out and he’s dialing Alec’s number immediately, getting shakily to his feet before turning to make his way toward the Institute. 

“Jace,” Alec answers, the relief palpable in his voice. “Where are you? Are you okay?” 

Jace ignores the question in favor of one of his own. “Is Simon there?”

He knows the answer to the question before he asks it, but he has to ask it. There’s a deep, foreboding feeling in the back of his mind that Simon wouldn’t just leave him alone and go back to the Institute. That for Alec to sound _that_ relieved just to hear Jace’s voice must mean something is seriously wrong. 

Jace knows, deep down, before Alec says it, that something terrible happened. 

“Jace…” Alec’s hesitation brings tears to Jace’s eyes, his footsteps speeding up into a run he fears is too little, too late. Still, a part of him thinks that maybe if he gets back fast enough, maybe if they’re out looking for Simon the way he’s sure they were looking for him… 

“Alec,” Jace says, his voice shaking. “Where is Simon?” 

“Just come back to the Institute and-” “Alec!” Jace stops running abruptly. He can barely breathe, but he forces the word out, desperate and pleading, trying to ignore the way his hand starts to shake as much as his voice. “Please.” 

For several long, agonizing seconds, the only sound between them is Jace’s breathing. Jace almost wonders if Alec hung up, or if he’s really _not_ going to talk to Jace until he’s back at the Institute. But then-

“Simon’s here,” Alec says, with a tone of finality that brings Jace to his knees in the middle of the sidewalk. 

“He’s dead, Jace.” 

\---

Alec’s voice sounds a million miles away as he fills Jace in on what happened after he got knocked out. _After you let yourself get ambushed, after you let your guard down, after you failed to save Simon,_ his mind supplies. Jace forces himself to focus beyond the guilt in his head to what Alec says. 

Alec tells Jace that Raphael showed up with Simon’s dead body and the vampire who killed him. Simon, who fought until the very end, bit the vampire who abducted him in an attempt to defend himself and died with that blood in his system. The vampire responsible was turned in directly by Raphael to the Institute to await the Clave’s punishment. The entire incident is dealt with and wrapped up with a neat little bow, so far as the law is concerned. 

All except one thing: that vampire blood in Simon’s system means there’s one decision Alec isn’t leaving up to the Clave, or the law. One decision Jace has to make on his own. 

Jace does. Alec offers to help but Jace insists on doing this part alone, insists that when it’s all said and done he wants to be the only one this falls back on, if it has to fall back on anyone. This is why, not long after the debriefing, Jace stands over Simon’s body which rests at the bottom of the hole Jace dug himself. 

Alec stands beside him, mostly for moral support. As much as Jace tries to hide the worst of the pain he feels from his parabatai he knows it’s too much, that the desperation must be leaking through the cracks because Alec refuses to leave his side even if he isn't directly involved in the process. Jace is secretly thankful for the company despite his numerous insistences that he doesn’t need it. 

“We joked about this once,” Jace says abruptly into the silence. “About the two of us being ‘too wonderful to deny future generations’, and that someone should figure out a way to make us immortal.” 

Jace wants to laugh at the memory, but he can’t. This isn’t a joke, and there is no ‘us’ - it’s only Simon. Simon, whose lifeless body is waiting below him while he stalls with pointless anecdotes. 

“Tell me he won’t hate this. Tell me I’m doing the right thing,” Jace says, turning to Alec. He doesn’t care if Alec lies to him, he just needs to hear it, needs the reassurance. 

“I can’t do that,” Alec says. “You knew him best, if anyone has that answer it’s you. But for what it’s worth, I don’t think he could ever hate you for anything, especially not something you did with good intentions.” 

It isn’t quite what Jace was hoping for, but it’s honest, and that means more than a comforting lie, he supposes. 

Jace nods, not saying another word before lifting his shovel and lowering the first bit of dirt on top of Simon’s body. 


	2. Stop Fighting With Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon returns as a vampire and struggles to strike a comfortable balance between his old and new lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Two is for my bingo square: Children of the Night

Simon can’t breathe. It’s dark and he can’t breathe, and-- wait. He doesn’t need to breathe. The initial panic subsides just long enough for him to process that he still isn’t breathing, but it seems to be fine.

Which is definitely _not_ fine.

The panic kicks in again.

So do other, new instincts, primal and urgent and _hungry_. Simon begins to claw his way up out of fresh, loose dirt. It gets in his mouth, stings his eyes, clumps under his fingernails. His hand breaks the surface and someone latches onto it to help pull him out. Once his head is free of the ground he can see that it’s Jace, with someone Simon recognizes as vaguely familiar but not enough to immediately place the face or recall a name.

“Jace?” Simon asks, his body once more trying to breathe in the cool night air now that he’s free of his shallow grave, and his mind once more chiming in with the unsettling reminder that he doesn’t need the air. _Why doesn’t he need air?_ It’s a reasonable question, one he should probably ask, but instead what comes out of his mouth is: “What the fuck?”

Jace pulls Simon in for a hug without answering, despite the immediate protests of the other person. Simon remembers him more now, pretty certain he’s one of the local vampires, probably someone higher-up if Simon can recall seeing him around the Institute. Simon leans into the hug for only a split-second before he feels the pulse of the vein in Jace’s neck, the sound seeming to echo in Simon’s ears like the most deafening roar.

Painful fangs tear through his gums and the other man pulls Jace back, situating himself between Jace and Simon while shoving a blood bag into Simon’s hand instead.

“I _told you_ ,” the vampire says, his voice low.

“Raphael, please,” Jace starts, but Simon’s only half-listening as he stares down with muted horror at the blood bag in his now shaking hands. The instincts kick in again, fangs tearing through the bag and draining the blood almost before he realizes he’s doing it. Simon wants to throw up but he can’t stop, and when that bag is empty and another is immediately held out in its place Simon takes that one, too, desperately ravenous.

“You need to leave,” the vampire, Raphael, insists. Simon thinks he’s talking to him at first until he sees Raphael glaring intently at Jace. “I’ll return him to you when he can control himself.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Jace says stubbornly, bringing Simon’s attention back to him as he drops the second blood bag. Despite the greater distance between them, Simon can swear he can still hear Jace’s pulse, feeling it thumping through his body like a bass drum.

Simon considers chiming in before another bag is unceremoniously placed in his hands and he’s drinking again instead of speaking. The desperation he first felt has subsided slightly, but the desire to lunge at Jace - and not in a sexy way - is still very much present.

“You should go,” Simon says, trying and failing to keep his voice even.

Jace looks like Simon slapped him.

“I don’t want to hurt you. Please, Jace. I can’t--- I couldn’t live with myself if I--” Simon’s voice shakes with the words he can’t bring himself to say.

“You wouldn’t,” Jace insists. “You wouldn’t hurt me. I know you, Si.”

Simon shakes his head, averting his gaze from Jace’s face, from the temptation of visible veins in Jace’s neck and exposed arms. “I would,” Simon admits quietly. “I want to.” Not wanting to meet Jace’s gaze Simon looks around them instead, taking in the shovel behind Jace and wondering if he dug the grave Simon just dug himself out of. He doesn't dare to ask.

“I suggest you leave, Shadowhunter, before you make Simon do something your precious Clave would have him punished for,” Raphael suggests. _That_ gives Jace pause, fear crossing his face immediately.

“Jace, please. _Just go_.” Simon pleads, and when Jace hesitates Simon doesn’t.

“Fine, then I will,” Simon says, unable to stand being in Jace’s for another second in this condition. A moment later he’s gone, using his newfound vampire speed to sprint all the way to the Hotel Dumort.

\---

“I was hoping I'd find you here,” Raphael says, entering the room one of the other vampires put Simon in to wait (thankfully with a few more blood bags, since Simon found himself surprisingly exhausted from the sprint there). “I was afraid you’d try and go home.”

Simon frowns. Home, to his mother and sister? Or home to the Institute? He couldn’t go to either, not anymore, he wouldn’t be welcome there. He may never be welcome there again.

“I can’t do this,” Simon tells Raphael. “I can’t- I’m not cut out for this life.”

“You _can_ do this, Simon. And I’m going to help you. We all are,” Raphael says, and Simon isn’t sure he’s ever heard him speak so softly before. “You made it this far, and a lot of people don’t. You’re stronger than you think.”

“I didn’t make it anywhere! All I did was get myself killed,” Simon points out. His chest feels tight and he has to fight down the instinct to take several quick, short breaths. “Also it’s really unfair that I can still feel like I’m having a panic attack when I can’t even breathe.”

Raphael gives Simon a rueful half-smile. “Your human instincts will fade with time,” Raphael says, and Simon isn’t sure it’s the reassurance the vampire means it to be. He doesn’t _want_ to forget his human instincts… that feels an awful lot like losing his humanity entirely.

“Promise me you won’t do anything foolish. I do believe your boyfriend will kill me if anything were to happen to you, and as much as I’d like to ensure you transition smoothly, I’m also rather fond of not being permanently dead myself,” Raphael points out.

Simon’s boyfriend. _Jace_. Is Jace even going to want to be with him now? That sends a whole new wave of anxiety through Simon.

...except he won’t know the answer to that if he can never manage to be in the same 20-foot radius as Jace again. _‘I’ll return him to you when he can control himself’_ Raphael had said. Simon needs to talk to Jace, and there’s only one way he’s ever going to reach a place where he can do that.

“Alright,” Simon agrees reluctantly. “Where do I start?”

\---

It turns out there’s no singular ‘good place’ to start learning to be a vampire. Every noise is too loud, every light too bright, and Simon breaks every fragile thing he touches for an entire week because he keeps forgetting his new strength. He refuses to talk about the number of walls and corners and tables he runs into while trying to get any sort of control over his speed, but at least the minor injuries heal fast.

Then there’s the blood. Despite his body’s instinctual draw to it, mentally he can’t get beyond the block he gives himself that it’s, well, _blood_. Whether it’s freely donated into blood bags or animal blood from a local butcher, Simon can’t figure out how to bring himself from vegetarian to consuming blood to survive… and it nearly kills him. He refuses to drink to the point of being too weak to stand some days, then on others caves and binges enough to be at full strength all in one go, then restarts the process.

“You aren’t helping yourself, Simon,” Raphael tells him. “If you’re just going to give in, you’d be better off learning how to ration - figuring out how much you need, and how often.”

This isn’t anything new. And rationally, Simon knows that Raphael is right. Irrationally, Simon thinks maybe one of these days he’ll just not drink long enough to--

No. He needs to stop thinking like that. He misses his friends and his family and Jace. Jace, who he hasn’t seen in a week and a half now because he can’t be trusted around humans with pulses and veins full of fresh, pumping blood.

It’s like Raphael can read his mind, because the older vampire adds, “If I have to turn Jace away one more day because you’re not ready, he might get a search warrant for the place just to see you.”

Simon frowns. “Sorry,” he says. “I told him to just stop coming. I don’t want to-” Simon catches his phrasing, and his frown deepens. “I can’t see him yet. He knows that.”

“Can’t, or won’t?” Raphael says, with the edge of a challenge to his tone. “You’ve taken to everything else surprisingly well this past week. If you let yourself, you could get used to the blood, too. Why aren’t you?”

“I told you, I’m a _vegetarian_ ,” Simon repeats, knowing the excuse loses weight every time he says it.

“You know you can’t be, not anymore. And you know that isn’t the only reason. You don’t want to die, but what you’re doing now isn’t going to be much of a life, either,” Raphael points out.

“I…” Simon starts, then stops. “I can’t see him. I don’t want to see him like this, I-” Simon shakes his head almost violently. His next words come out in a rush, wavering and unsteady. “I’m afraid. I’m afraid we’ll never be what we were before.”

There it is, the truth Simon hadn’t fully admitted, not even to himself, until now. As much as he misses Jace and wants to talk all of this out with him, Simon’s even more afraid that the conversation will end with them broken up, and he doesn’t know if he can survive that loss on top of everything else. At least this way he can hold on to the past and pretend a little while longer.

“Well, contrary to what you seem to be aiming for, you can’t avoid him forever by being a shitty vampire,” Raphael says, and Simon’s glad he avoids bringing up anything about Simon’s actual emotions behind his confession. “And you’ll never know about the rest until you can coexist again and see. So how about we get to that step, and you can have some sort of teenage existential love crisis then?”

It’s blunt, and a bit harsh, but since nothing else worked so far, maybe a little tough love is exactly what Simon needs. He can tell that Raphael actually sounds concerned, that he wants to make sure Simon is at least stable if nothing else.

Simon thinks maybe he can do that much.

“Fine. Give me the blood bag,” Simon relents.

\---

Simon stands frozen in the lobby of the Dumort, with Jace pounding on the door outside. Each hit of Jace’s fist makes Simon wince - Raphael just told Jace that Simon wasn’t ready to see him yet before locking him out, and Jace’s previous patience seems to be entirely up now.

“Simon, let me in!” Jace’s voice shouts from the other side of the door. “You can tell me you never want to see me again to my goddamn face!”

That isn’t it. That isn’t it at all, but maybe it’d be better if he just let Jace think that-

“ _Say something_ ,” Raphael hisses urgently. “He’s going to break the door down.”

Simon can’t bring himself to speak, opening and closing his mouth once, then twice. What is he supposed to say?

“Jace, stop!” Simon finally manages, and the banging slows, then stops. “I’m just not ready yet.”

He isn’t. His progress with Raphael, while good, is still far from great. Far from enough for Simon to be comfortable alone with Jace, or _any_ human.

“Bullshit,” Jace shouts through the door, but he doesn’t start hitting it again which is a relief.

“Raphael, I’m not ready,” Simon says, turning to Raphael with a pleading look on his face.

“What if I stay?” Raphael offers. “We meet in one of the larger rooms, keep you apart, and I stay to make sure nothing goes wrong.”

“You’ll stop me if I- if I can’t-” Simon can’t bring himself to say ‘if I lose control’ or ‘if I try and kill Jace’, but he doesn’t have to.

“I will. And I’ll stop him if he pushes you too far,” Raphael adds.

During their time together Simon’s grown rather attached to Raphael… he’d go so far as to say he actually likes him - as a friend, of course. He thinks Raphael might like him too, as a person and not just out of obligation as a fledgling in his clan. Not that Simon hasn’t also noticed how protective of him Raphael’s been ever since he arrived. It’s surprisingly reassuring to know Raphael’s looking out for him.

Simon isn’t surprised to realize that after everything they’ve been through the past couple of weeks he trusts Raphael implicitly, which is the only reason he nods.

“Okay,” Simon says. “Jace,” Simon speaks again, louder now to be heard through the door. “We’re going to let you in and we can talk. But I don’t want you to come too close, alright? Promise me.”

There’s a moment of silence, and then, “I promise, Simon. Whatever you want, I just need to see you.”

Raphael walks to the door and looks back at Simon questioningly one last time, only opening it after Simon gives another small nod. Simon, standing a few feet behind Raphael, finds himself face-to-face with Jace for the first time since he turned.

Jace immediately takes a step forward, and Simon immediately takes a step back, which prompts Jace to stop abruptly. Simon hates the look of hurt he sees flash across Jace’s face, he hates that he’s the reason for it.

“We’re going to go sit down, and we can talk,” Simon tells him, and turns to walk away knowing that both of them will follow. He tries not to think about the fact that Jace is the first human he’s been around, tries to ignore the smell of a living being full of fresh blood. He isn’t sure if the sound of a pulse is something he can actually hear coming from Jace, or if his mind is playing some Tell-Tale Heart bullshit on him.

When they reach the large meeting area Simon motions for Jace to take a seat on a chair at one end of the room and moves himself to the end of a sofa as far away as possible. Raphael hovers, and Simon catches his gaze and looks to the open space beside him on the sofa, a silent question that Raphael answers with a nod before moving over to join him.

Jace watches Raphael with narrowed eyes before shifting his attention over to Simon.

“How are you doing?” Jace asks, finally breaking the silence.

“Not... great,” Simon admits slowly. “Not terrible, though. I’m getting better at it. Coming to terms with things I fought a little…” Raphael huffs out a sarcastic sound at that. “Fine, with things I fought for a lot longer than I should’ve, I _know,_ Raphael,” Simon adds, rolling his eyes.

“That’s… good, then,” Jace says, clearly not sure what to say next. Simon wonders if that’s because he has too much he wants to say at once, or if there’s nothing left _to_ say between them, and watches Jace’s eyes dart over to Raphael again. “Can Simon and I talk alone for a minute?”

Instead of either of them answering Jace, Raphael turns to look at Simon, and Simon’s eyes widen immediately in a panicked, silent plea for Raphael to stay.

“I think it’s best if I’m here,” Raphael answers.

“Is not being able to speak for yourself a side-effect of becoming a vampire?” Jace mutters, and Simon isn’t sure if he’s actually asking or not.

“Raphael stays,” Simon says, then winces a bit at his own sharp tone. “I mean, I’d like him to stay. I’m not comfortable being alone with-”

“It’s just me, Si,” Jace points out. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

Simon doesn’t admit that it isn’t Jace hurting him that he’s worried about, but shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

And he is. Simon is so unbelievably sorry, more sorry than he could ever convey even if he sat here and repeated it over and over until the end of time. He’s sorry he isn’t better at this, for both of them, sorry that he’s obviously letting Jace down right now.

“Fine, then we do this in front of Raphael,” Jace says. Simon braces himself, expecting the worst. “Why are you avoiding me?”

Not the worst, Simon notes with relief, but not great, either.

“I’m not avoiding _you_ ,” Simon says, but even as he says it he knows it’s a lie. “I’m avoiding everyone. Literally all of humanity, Jace.”

Jace shakes his head. “Is it because I made the call to bury you? It’s my fault you’re… like this, now.”

“I’m a vampire, Jace. You can say it. And it isn’t your fault. I got myself killed. I should be thanking you for giving me a chance to see the people I care about again. A chance to live… _live-ish_... again, technically speaking.” Simon sighs, knowing he’s not saying this right at all. At least some things about him haven’t changed, rambling tendencies included. “I’m just going to shut up now.”

“So you don’t hate me?” Jace asks hopefully.

“Of course not,” Simon says. Then adds quietly, “I hate myself.” It’s quiet enough that Jace can’t hear him, but Simon feels Raphael tense next to him. Right, vampire hearing.

Simon clears his throat quickly. “I just need more time to figure myself out first, before I can even start to think about where I’m going to fit back in with you and the others.”

“You fit where you always did. Where you still do. You belong with us,” Jace says without missing a beat. _With me_ , Simon can read between the lines.

At this Raphael tenses again, and Simon hesitates. “I just need some more time,” Simon repeats. “What if… I won’t turn you away anymore if you announce when you’re stopping by. Once I’m clear for public existence maybe we can meet with the others at Taki’s? We’ll figure it out.”

“It’s better than nothing,” Jace agrees.

“Is that alright?” Simon asks Raphael, turning to face him on the sofa. “If Jace stops by once in a while? If not, I can leave, I’d just rather not. Not yet.”

Simon doesn’t know how to articulate that he feels safe here, that he feels comfortable within these walls, with other vampires, with Raphael by his side in a way he wouldn’t if he tried to meet with Jace outside the Dumort.

“If he must,” Raphael allows grudgingly. Then, softer, “Whatever will help, Simon.”

The tension Simon felt previously eases at the temporary resolution. It’s a step forward, no matter how small, and Simon smiles properly for the first time since Jace arrived.

“Can we at least hug?” Jace asks, and the tension in Simon returns immediately.

“Next time?” Simon offers. “I’m sorry. You know I would if I could. Raz-” Simon starts, choking on Raziel’s name before remembering he can’t say it any longer. “I miss you so much, Jace.”

“I miss you too, Si. It’s alright, I get it. Whatever you need, time or space or _anything_ , it’s yours,” Jace says, standing to leave. Simon can tell it’s taking everything in him to stay on the other side of the room and not try to hug him anyway.

“Thanks for taking care of him,” Jace adds to Raphael.

“Of course,” Raphael says. They walk Jace to the door and Simon watches him leave, standing in the doorway until Jace is just a dark, blurry dot under the fading streetlights.

“Are you okay?” Raphael asks Simon after a long silence.

Simon considers the question for a moment, _seriously_ considers it, before answering.

“I’m not sure,” he admits. “But I have to try harder to be, for both of us.”

Raphael doesn’t reply, only turns and retreats back into the building.

\---

Jace calls Simon a few times over the next two weeks, always asking before he shows up at the Dumort just like Simon requested and never once complaining about the hoops he has to jump through just to see him. He never makes a big deal when Simon says no if he’s having a bad day, and he’s nothing but understanding of whatever boundaries Simon needs right now to feel comfortable.

What he doesn’t seem to understand is how comfortable Simon is at the Dumort and around Raphael, despite barely knowing the vampires there before turning. Jace, who never seemed to have an issue with vampires before, is constantly on edge and even a bit cruel, especially to Raphael. Simon invites Jace around more often, hoping the exposure will get rid of whatever seems off, but it only makes things worse.

“We could be working with you on all of this,” Jace points out after watching Raphael work with Simon on incorporating his speed into the fighting style he was previously used to. Simon’s pretty sure Jace stood the entire half hour he was there with his arms crossed over his chest.

Simon shakes his head. “It wouldn’t be the same. This is different. It isn’t like adjusting to using a speed rune. I can’t put it into words that well, just… you wouldn’t understand unless you experienced it.”

Jace frowns. “I can’t understand any of it if you don’t let me, Simon,” Jace snaps.

Simon’s face drops.

“Shit. Sorry. That wasn’t… I didn’t mean that.” Jace tries to backtrack. “I just hate seeing how comfortable you are here.”

“...you hate that I’m doing well with the people I’m literally going to have to spend the rest of eternity with?” Simon asks, confused.

“Yes. No. It’s just… watching you with Raphael. That used to be us. _We_ used to work together like that, and I miss it. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take it out on you, that wasn’t fair.”

It definitely wasn’t, but Simon doesn’t say that. Instead, he plasters a too-large smile on his face and shrugs it off. “It’s fine.”

Alright, so bringing Jace around the Dumort more often is definitely not the solution Simon thinks it is. Time for plan B: a slow return to the Shadowhunters.

Once Simon’s better with the whole blood thing he tries to fall back into his old life a bit. Jace even manages to get him cleared for patrol if he ever wants to join them at night, but it puts the other Shadowhunters on edge, even though Simon goes out of his way to patrol with his old bow and arrows, just like before. After an incident with Shadowhunter who’s too busy being anxious about Simon’s presence that he nearly misses the _actual_ threat, Simon stops trying to help.

His friends are kind about it. It’s weird to be ordering the blood on tap from Taki’s instead of a milkshake, but it’s nice to see them again now that he has the random feeding urges mostly under control. It’s also nice to be sitting on the same side of the booth as Jace again, arm wrapped around him, laughing at some ridiculous story Alec is telling about Jace messing with a new recruit fresh out of the Academy. It almost feels normal.

Simon tries to take the good with the bad. He gets moments like Taki’s, he gets moonlit walks and lingering kisses on park benches… but he also gets sidelong glances every time he shows up at the Institute and nearly constant pressure from Jace to come back for good. He gets Jace showing up at the Dumort and picking fights with Raphael more and more often, accusing him of trying to keep Simon there instead of getting him to a point where he can leave for good.

“That isn’t it, Jace,” Simon defends Raphael one night. He’s been trying to walk such a delicate, thin tightrope between his old life and his new one for so long and he’s tired. He so, so tired. “I don’t belong there anymore. You know it, even if you don’t want to admit it. I can’t just be a vampire living in the Institute again like nothing’s changed.”

“What about being my boyfriend, living with me again like nothing’s changed?” Jace counters.

“I can’t do that either,” Simon says, feeling his heartbreak with every word. “Things have changed. So many things. I’ve changed! My literal genetic makeup, my entire _species_ has changed. I can’t be who I was before.”

“You can’t, or you don’t want to be?” Jace snaps. Simon’s caught entirely off-guard by how defensive he is that he’s too stunned to answer. Jace shakes his head at the silence. “That’s what I thought.”

Simon watches Jace storm out of the Dumort that night with the phantom feeling of his heart in his throat, a lump he can’t swallow away no matter how hard he tries.

The breaking point comes a few days later when Simon goes to the Institute to try and bring back some sense of normalcy as an apology for their previous fight. That is, until he realizes he can’t activate any of the seraph blades because he can’t say the names of any of the Angels. He can’t use a witchlight. Even a weapon Jace activates and gives to him dies out the moment it’s in his grasp.

He should’ve seen this coming, but somehow it blindsides him.

“It’s fine, you can just use a normal weapon--”

“It isn’t fine, Jace,” Simon says, shaking his head. His voice is calm, quiet even. Resigned. “None of this is fine. I shouldn’t even be here.”

“Of course you should. This is your home, Si, I-”

“It isn’t. This isn’t my home, not anymore. The Clave would sooner lock me up than protect me now. You and Alec and Clary and Izzy are the only Shadowhunters who will even speak to me.”

“The others will come around. You’re still just as much a Shadowhunter as-”

“I’m not!” Simon says, and now his voice does rise because Jace isn’t listening. He isn’t _getting it_. “I’m not a Shadowhunter anymore, no matter how much you want me to be. And if you want a Shadowhunter who can be at your side 24/7 so badly then maybe you should find one.” Simon regrets the words the moment they leave his mouth. He tries to think of a better way to phrase all of his insecurities, to push the idea that they need to figure out a new way to move forward, not an old way to go back to, but before he can Jace replies.

“Maybe I should,” Jace agrees. “After all, you and Raphael have gotten pretty close, haven’t you? Looks like _you’re_ already moving on just fine.”

“What?” Simon doesn’t know how Jace could even _imagine_ he’d be doing anything behind his back like that.

“I’ve seen the way you two are - always together, always defending him, always so eager to go back to _him_. I’ve been losing you from day one, I just didn’t want to admit it,” Jace says, and now he’s the one who looks defeated.

“That’s ridiculous!” Simon says.

“Then tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you’d rather stay here with me than go back to the Dumort,” Jace challenges.

Simon could say it just to prove a point, but he’d be lying. He owes them both more than that right now. “I already told you I don’t feel comfortable living here again,” Simon starts to reason, but Jace cuts him off with a sharp huff of breath and a shake of his head.

“Then go.”

Simon goes. This time when he turns and walks away, even though it isn’t explicitly said, they both know it’s not just from the fight.

Simon walks away from Jace, from the Institute, from the world that’d been his entire life since the day he was born. The tears start to fall the moment he crosses through the main doors. This moment feels more final, more like a true death of who he once was than anything he’d experienced so far, and he’d _literally_ died.

Without any other options Simon walks himself on shaky legs back to the Hotel Dumort… back to the only home - and after Jace tells the others about their breakup, the only family - he has left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


	3. Saying Yes Instead of No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael does his best to help Simon and Jace reconnect, and in the process finds himself growing more fond of Jace than he ever intended on. Not that it matters, because once Simon and Jace are back together he'll be out of the picture entirely... right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Three is based on my Bingo Square: Getting Back Together

“I’ll kill him,” Raphael offers, not for the first time. In fact, this had to be nearing the double-digits in the number of times Raphael has offered - or threatened - to kill Jace Herondale since Simon returned with a face streaked with tears. 

“It’s my fault,” Simon says, also for a time nearing the double-digits. “Just let it go. We need to be able to work with them if we have to.” 

“No, you need to be able to talk to that foolish Shadowhunter and make him see sense,” Raphael insists. 

“Why do you even care?” Simon asks. 

Raphael considers admitting that he hates seeing Simon upset. He thinks of the guilt he feels because, even though Jace is obviously completely off base about Simon’s feelings, he isn’t so far away from Raphael’s. Perhaps Raphael let his affection for Simon show a bit too much around the Shadowhunter. If Raphael was inadvertently the reason that Jace and Simon broke up, then he would advertently be the reason they got back together. 

He knows what he has to do, and he knows that he’s going to hate every second of it. 

“Because I can’t have you moping around the Dumort for the rest of our very, very long lives,” Raphael says finally. “Or so upset you’re going to do something foolish.” 

Simon sighs. “I know Jace told you to look out for me, but he clearly doesn’t care anymore, so you really don’t have to follow through.” 

Raphael rolls his eyes. “As if I would do anything simply because a _Shadowhunter_ told me to. I’m looking out for you because I want to.” 

“And what if I don’t want you to?” Simon asks, and Raphael does his best not to let the words sting. Simon’s upset, he’s trying to push him away. It isn’t going to work. 

“Well, that’s unfortunate for you, because I doubt you can stop me,” Raphael points out. 

This gets a small laugh from Simon, which is progress. He’ll take it. 

\---

“Why are we in Central Park?” Jace asks warily, glancing around. “If you’re setting me up for a vampire ambush just know that if I don’t check in with Alec every 15 minutes he’s sending backup.” 

Raphael rolls his eyes. He’s doing so much more of that lately. 

“Because it’s a neutral location. Simon isn’t comfortable at the Institute right now, you’re not thrilled about seeing him at the Dumort, so a neutral middle ground leaves everyone on the same level,” Raphael explains. 

“That… makes sense, I guess,” Simon admits. 

“Negotiation tactics don’t just apply in times of war,” Raphael points out. 

“This isn’t a negotiation,” Jace says, growing immediately defensive. 

“Isn’t it?” Raphael asks. “Two arguing sides that don’t fully understand the other, a need to find common ground and come to a proper resolution? Sounds like a negotiation to me.” 

“So what are the proposed terms?” Jace asks, and Raphael watches as he slips easily into his Nephilim soldier mindset to negotiate. 

“That’s for the two of you to decide. I just wanted to make sure both of you could meet without throwing daggers on sight. You won’t kill one another if I leave now, will you?” Raphael asks. 

Jace and Simon share hesitant (but hopeful) glances before they each nod and Raphael turns to leave. 

“Call me if you need anything, Simon. I won’t be far,” Raphael whispers into Simon’s ear as he passes. If Jace still thinks there’s something between him and Simon it likely wouldn’t do for Raphael to broadcast lingering about for Simon’s sake. 

Then, with an unfamiliar ache in his chest, Raphael forces himself to walk away.

\---

Raphael doesn’t expect to grow fond of Jace as well over the weeks that follow, but that’s exactly what happens. The more Jace and Simon start to fall into a new rhythm, start to find a balance they can be together in again, the more Raphael can see the little ways Jace shows just how much he still cares about Simon, even during the times they’re still technically broken up. 

Raphael does what he can - without Simon knowing he’s meddling too much - to remind Jace that Simon is still _Jace’s Simon_ , even if he isn’t a Shadowhunter anymore. 

“He talks about you every time we have movie marathons. I don’t think he realizes he’s doing it, but he brings up your favorite characters and reactions all the time,” Raphael tells Jace one day while he waits for Simon in the entryway of the Dumort. 

“You have movie marathons with Si?” Jace asks, eyebrow raised. 

Raphael shrugs. “Sure. It’s something he enjoys, and I’m certain it isn’t surprising he’s needed a little extra comfort lately.” 

Raphael watching them isn’t the point, but he doesn’t have time to decipher the strange look on Jace’s face before Simon finally comes rushing in, apologizing for running late, and the two of them leave. 

There are more little moments like that. Moments when Raphael finds himself alone with Jace, or the three of them spend time together. Many of those moments are because part of Jace and Simon’s discussions have been about Jace accepting the vampire side of Simon now, which includes accepting Raphael’s and the Brooklyn Clan’s roles in his life. Raphael doesn’t stop to think about how it might come across to bond with Jace over Simon, how much he’s betraying his own feelings by how hard he’s working towards Simon and Jace’s happiness. 

Befriending Jace, once they’re no longer actively pit against one another, is surprisingly easy. It’s easier still the more they talk and can read each other better - it doesn’t take long for them to learn where the lines in their individual brands of sarcastic senses of humor need to be drawn. As much as Jace and Simon are rediscovering how they fit together, Raphael begins to seamlessly fit in along with them... and soon, being friendly with Jace for Simon’s sake shifts into simply being friends with Jace. 

Which shifts into something more. It’s subtle enough that Raphael doesn’t notice it happening until it’s already done - he cares about Jace. He cares about Jace’s happiness, and not just in relation to Simon’s, but independently. Raphael isn’t sure when he starts to know Jace almost as well as he knows Simon, but he’s sure of the moment he realizes it: it’s the day he starts to keep a bit of human food and drinks in their refrigerator units for Jace that he knows Jace likes. Things he knows Jace likes, not because Simon told him at some point, but because he simply _knows_. At some point, Jace’s personal preferences (which are now common knowledge to Raphael) became things he prioritized committing to memory.

At some point, _Jace_ became a priority. Raphael tries very, very hard to push that revelation back into the recesses of his mind for all the good it’ll do him. 

Raphael tells himself he’s imagining things when Jace seems to show a deeper interest in him as well - things like showing up with a movie for them to watch by a director Raphael mentioned enjoying once before, or picking up bits of Spanish to pepper into conversations knowing Raphael’s fluent and enjoys the reminder of home sometimes. They’re friends. These are things that friends do... not that Raphael would really know, seeing as he can count the number of proper ‘friends’ he’s had on one hand. 

On a night Raphael knows Simon has a date with Jace (because it’s all Simon’s been able to talk about for hours), Jace arrives early and Raphael doesn’t hesitate to open the door and invite him in to wait. 

“Simon’s not ready yet, but I’ll tell him you’re early-” “Actually,” Jace cuts him off. “I wanted to ask you something first.” 

“Alright,” Raphael says. He’s not uncomfortable around Jace, not anymore, but there’s something in Jace’s expression that puts him on edge. 

“Why did you do all of this? You could’ve had Simon to yourself - he wouldn’t be split between me and the clan. That had to be easier than taking us through the baby-steps of figuring out how to make up,” Jace points out, and Raphael says nothing because it’s true. His life would’ve been much simpler if he simply let Simon deal with his heartbreak and went on with his fledgling training. “So why did you do all of this?” 

Raphael hesitates. He knows why - he knows exactly why. The temptation to lie is strong, to say something clever and subtle to side-step the truth and give Jace a passable answer, but as well as Raphael knows Jace now, he’s afraid Jace has grown to know him just as well. And if Jace came early to get an answer to this question he likely won’t accept Raphael’s usual witty deflection. 

“Because so many of us lose who we were after we’re turned,” Raphael admits. “We can’t reconcile our old lives with what we’ve become, and we turn into the monsters others perceive us as. But Simon… Simon cares _so much_. About you, about his friends and family, about his passions and hobbies. I didn’t want to see him lose that because he lost you. You had to understand he was still Simon so he could believe it, too.” 

“You didn’t even know me,” Jace points out. “And what you did know of me was an ass.” 

Raphael gives Jace a smile tinged with sadness. “But I knew Simon - enough to know he wouldn’t care so much about someone who wasn’t worth it, Shadowhunter or not. Yes, at first it was about making Simon happy, but then I got to know you, too. You’re a good person, Jace. You both deserve happiness.”

Jace’s eyes move to something behind Raphael, and he turns quickly to see a wide-eyed Simon walking up behind him. How much of that did he hear? And how much of what Raphael truly feels seeped into every heartfelt word he never should’ve risked saying out loud? 

“I should go. Enjoy your date,” Raphael says before either of them can say anything, and vanishes from sight. 

\---

Raphael can’t avoid Simon, no matter how much he wants to. He makes a valiant effort of it most of the day after Simon gets back from his date - he knows he said too much, that even if Simon didn’t overhear it surely Jace told him. He let his emotions get the better of him, just for a second, but a second is all that it takes. Raphael tells himself repeatedly that this was always the plan - for Simon and Jace to reconnect - and that once they did obviously he wouldn’t need to be the awkward third wheel around them any longer. 

“Raphael?” Simon’s voice sounds at the door. “We need to talk.” 

Raphael opens the door with a heavy sigh. “Please, spare me the faux-breakup speech and just move back to your Institute.” 

“What?” Simon says. “I”m not doing that. Why would I do that?” 

“Because I crossed a line, and I’m very aware of it, so if you could spare me the lecture I’d appreciate it,” Raphael says. 

“There’s no line to cross. There’s like, this big, gaping circle that we’re all in. At least, I hope we’re all in it,” Simon starts to rumble, except literally none of what he just said makes any sense. 

“...what?” 

“Sorry, the line comment threw me off. I had a whole thing prepared before,” Simon admits, looking sheepish. “Okay. Let me start over. Jace and I were talking, and we’re ready to officially be boyfriends again.” 

“That’s great,” Raphael says, trying to sound as happy as he should for Simon. This was always the goal, he reminds himself again, and again, and again. 

“And we’d like to know if you wanted to try and make something work between the three of us,” Simon continues, each word carefully chosen and obviously practiced. Simon wasn’t kidding about that. 

“...what?” Raphael says again, but with a new tone of disbelief replacing his previous confusion. 

“I know you’re like 100 years old or whatever, but there’s this thing called polyamory, and people these days are much more-” 

“I know _what_ a polyamorous relationship is,” Raphael clarifies. 

“Oh, cool. Wait, not cool. Does that mean you don’t like the idea?” Simon fidgets. “Because we were talking about it and we really thought we read into this whole thing right, but if we didn’t this is going to get _super awkward_.” 

“I didn’t say I don’t like it,” Raphael is quick to admit. “It just caught me off guard. I expected you and Jace to reconcile and run off into the night together.” 

“So did I, for a little while. But Jace was right before - I liked you, back when you first took me in. I wasn’t going to do anything about it, but it was there. And it still is. And Jace…” 

Raphael arches an eyebrow. “And Jace?” 

“He likes you, too. He likes how much you care about me, and he likes that you’ll be sarcastic with him, and how close you two have gotten the past few weeks, and then today when you told him he deserved to be happy…” Simon trails off for a moment. “Well, we both realized we’ve been happier with you around, too, and hoped that you felt the same.” 

Raphael stands in stunned silence, searching Simon’s face, staring with a steady, unblinking gaze into his eyes to make sure that Simon means what he’s saying. He’d thought, maybe even hoped at the start, that he saw what Simon said about his own feelings. But he didn’t dare to even consider the possibility of Jace liking him back as well. 

Of _both of them_ wanting to be with him, the way he slowly realized he wished he could be with them after all these weeks.

“Jace thought it might seem less like we were trying to gang up on you if I came alone, but if you want to talk with him first he’s outside,” Simon adds. “And if you don’t want any of it just tell me. I swear we won’t let it ruin our friendship-” 

Raphael tries to push through how overwhelmed he feels by all of this, because if he doesn’t say anything Simon will likely ramble his way into backing out of the offer altogether, and that’s the last thing Raphael wants. 

The first thing Raphael wants, the _only thing_ , the thing he never imagined he’d get to have a chance at, is being offered to him on a silver platter right now, and he’d be a fool not to take a chance at it.

“Okay,” he says finally. “I do want to talk to Jace, I think the three of us have quite a bit of talking to do from the sounds of it, but… yes. I’d like to see where it goes.” 

“ _Whew_ ,” Simon says in exaggerated relief. “Because honestly, at this point I think things would feel weird if they _weren't_ there three of us. Let me go get Jace!” 

With that Simon disappears back out of the room at full vampire speed, leaving Raphael smiling after him. Simon’s right, and the honesty of that simple statement strikes Raphael more than anything else Simon said before. 

The three of them do feel good, they feel _right_ , and Raphael is more than happy to see how much better their time together can be moving forward.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Compromise](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29240742) by [Noteventhat (Facialteeth)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Facialteeth/pseuds/Noteventhat)




End file.
